Celebrate Life...

"I wish one day you'd miss me that no matter how hard you search for me, you won't find me. I wish one day you'd remember my face that no matter you wish to forget, it'd keep haunting you. I wish one day you'd love me that no matter how hard you ignore it, you would always feel the pain, then you'd be hurt, then you'd cry, then you'd long to be with me...only to realize i was gone and could love you no more!" - janis. written sometime in May 2003, appeard in Link2Support's forum entitled Post In Ur Message to that special Someone and Sun's Gals - Message to Your Crush . I believed myself to be calm when I wrote this but I guess I wasn't...flames from the past kept haunting...torturing me as memories of a very special person kept coming back. I thought I had already given him up...I wish I had.

" I don't know when I began loving you, I guess I was already in the middle when I noticed it...It probably had been a long time ago... beacuse I couldn't remember loving someone else since then...and I'm afraid it'd take forever before I'd love again, if ever I will" - janis. written at 12 : 05 PM, August 11, 2004. Can a person be really all this consuming?

Bakit ba kailangang magmahal ng tao? Bakit kailangang mahalin natin 'yong mga taong hindi na pwedeng mahalin or hindi tayo kayang mahalin? Bakit kailangang NAGMAHAL KA NA NGA, MASASAKTAN KA PA? Tapos, after mong masaktan, pipiliin mo pa ring mahalin yong taong nagpaluha sayo?Worst and ironically, kung sino pa ung nagpaiyak at nanakit ng damdamin mo, iyon at iyon pa den ang taong makapagbibigay ng di matatawarang kaligayahan sayo? Weird di bah? At sa kabila ng lahat at kahit ano pang mangayri, siya at siya pa rin ang pipiliin mong mahalin? Kulang na lang, ipagsiksikan mo yung sarili mo sa buhay niya...sa puso niya! And if not really possible, you'll just be content loving that person from afar...kahit sa ILUSYON lang. At least doon there are countless possibilities...to the point of owning that person...kahit doon lang. Sometimes, I can't help but ask, can a man be all that consuming?  That you'd spend eternity and beyond loving that person? Na kahit isang milyong lalaki pa yong iparada sa harap mo, wala pa ring papantay sa true love mo, that person would always be the best...would always be exceptional! 

Minsan naiisip ko, ganito ba talaga ka-sadista ang pag-ibig and tayo, as response, ma-sokista naman. Haaay...akala ko ba everyone has a destiny pre-written, that there's a person designed to love and make you complete, pero bakit parang it'd take a lifetime to find that someone, that you'd have to search the world and in the end, you'd end up alone...lonely! "They say loving is never wrong, but why is there forbidden love? They say love will never fall us, but why does it break our hearts? They say love is shared by two, but why can't I share it with you?" --- read once sa internet. Bakit ba hindi na lang naging AUTORESPONDING ang pag-ibig, pag minahal mo, automatic na mamahalin ka din? Mas masaya di bah? Pero aminin man natin or hindi, inspite of all the pains, masarap pa ding magmahal...matamis...to the point of swallowing and eating even the bitterest of  pains. A person once said (nabasa ko lang din sa internet) "In love rarely do we win. But when love is true, even if you lose, you still win for having felt loving someone more than yourself." Ganon yata tal'ga ang pag-ibig. It's such a wonder how you could actually love someone intensely and yet ready to accept the fact that he's not yours and let go. Isn't it a wonder na okay lang sayo na habang nakatingin ka sa taong mahal mo, sa iba naman siya nakatingin, na kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka niya kailanman makikita...kahit pa wala naman talga siyang ibang tinitingnan? That's love. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way! I've realized , eh ano kung hindi niya ako mahal, or may iba na siya, or hindi niya ako kayang mahalin, hindi ko na ba siya puwedeng mahalin? Just because hindi ka niya pwedeng mahalin for whatever reason, you'd be bitter and give him up? Love would and should never drive a person to crave ownership...Loving someone is not a license to own a person...not even a guarantee or shield from pains...and definitely not a promise that you would always be happy, never a moment of sadness and you would be loved as well. Isn't love like planting? Pag nagmamahal ka, you've planted a seed in someone's heart, then you'd nourish it. That isn't a guarantee that it'd grow, it could die before it grows. There's a possibility na hindi nga yon simulang tumubo man lang but that's okay, at least you've given yourself the chance to love and be glad about it. You could sow what you planted, but the harvest is unsure, the most important thing is you've done your part, it's up to that person to realize your worth. True love comes only once in our lives, if that someone happened yesterday - be thankful it did; if that someone happened today - cherish and if that someone happened soon - hope...But for now, just enjoy the feeling while it lasts...it may take forver to love again...we don't know what tomorrow brings...who knows kung kaya mo pang magmahal nang ganito...or kung magmamahal k pa...just cherish everything n meron tayo or 'yong happiness na nadarama natin while loving that person...as the song goes... "I keep holding on before the good is gone co'z I know I'll never love this way again" 

---for a very special person....kung sana nalaman mong mahal kita noon, naging tayo kaya? But I never had the courage...nor the chance...and it would forever stay that way...pag dating sau...I'm a total OUTSIDER!